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Tuesday, March 10, 2009

The Difference Between Men and Women

(essay by Dave Barry)

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see . . February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90- day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their ......

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have . . Oh, I feel so......"

(She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time," Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:

"Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"


Alison Bryant said...

This is great, Amy! I've read it somewhere before; it was a treat to have this laugh to start off the day.

But we women never do any of that, do we? =)

Billy Coffey said...

This is so, so good. I know it's a sad example of a lack of communication, but I'm still laughing.

The gulf between the male mind and the female mind is deep and wide, fixable only when women start thinking a little more shallow and men a little deeper.

Travis said...

Amy! You should write like this more. This is brilliant!

KM Wilsher said...

LOL, I love it! I just have to say, that I would go to bed crying, but I'd still have the bag of Doritos first - or ice cream :)

This is brillian, Amy!

Anonymous said...

So, Billy, are you saying all women should be shallow, not think for themselves, and depend on their male counterparts for everything, including how to think? Now I'm getting mad . . .

Super kidding there.

Great story, Amy. Like Billy, I'm still laughing, but it does show well the differences between man and woman.

It reminds me of something my husband told me years ago, and before we were married: "I don't do subtlety. If you're mad, sad, whatever, you need to tell me straight out."

Brandie said...

Wow--I couldn't stop laughing at this. It is so true! And something I need to work on as far as characterization--I tend to make my guys think a bit more like women.

Amy Deardon said...

Hi Brandie -- I LOVE this vignette -- it is so true! As far as writing in a gender-specific fashion, check out my Saturday post (on 3/14)

Amy Deardon said...

By the way, as much as I'd like to claim credit for this piece, it's not mine -- I found it on a remote website awhile ago, and just loved it. No author has been claimed as far as I know.

Anne Lang Bundy said...

This is brilliant! Talk about the difference between telling and showing.

Too bad we don't know the author. But I'll bet anything it was a man. Most of it was dead on. But Elaine's thoughts in paragraph 5 ("But hey, I'm not so sure ...") are pure male non-commital. By six months, a woman knows her answers to the questions a man is only vaguely aware exist.

Lydia said...

Hilarious! How we women torture ourselves needlessly!

I was really curious as to whether a man or a woman wrote the piece, so I Googled it.

The original article was written by a man named Dave Barry.

Amy Deardon said...

Lydia -- Thank you for doing due diligence for this -- I should have checked, so really appreciate this! I've put his name on the article.

Anonymous said...

ROFL! My name isn't Elaine and my ex's name isn't Roger, but I could have sworn that I lived through that conversation during my first engagement a decade or so ago! You know, I'd get so frustrated when I'd say, "Honey, whatchathinkin'?" And he'd said, "Nothin'." I thought he was holding back on me... Now I know the real story...