Critiquing Again

I found my old manuscript! Since there was some interest in how I shaved Lever, for what it’s worth let me compare a few paragraphs from a random passage in the story. I’ll face it off paragraph by paragraph, and then give a brief explanation. The old passage was 347 words, the final is 286. This gives a percent cut of 18%.

***

OLD (50 words):
Seidel had been planting only the first of the four bombs then. Gideon had given him a very detailed outline of procedure once he was in the time machine. Benjamin must have come in before Seidel had been in the target area five minutes, and Gideon clenched his fists angrily.

NEW (26 words):
Seidel had been planting only the first of the four bombs then. Benjamin must have entered before Seidel had been in the target area five minutes.

NOTE:
the reader already knows that Gideon delivered a detailed outline

*

OLD (16 words):
He followed Benjamin’s glance to his hands and forced himself to relax. Don’t give yourself away.

NEW (20 words):
Gideon clenched his fists, then followed Benjamin’s glance to his hands and forced himself to relax. Don’t give yourself away.

NOTE: I moved clenched fists to the next paragraph to tighten the reference. I also italicized the thought.

*

OLD (23 words):
He suddenly had no energy for this, now that he’d learned what he needed. He stood up, signaling the end of the conference.

NEW (23 words):
Now that he’d learned what he needed, he had no more energy for this. He stood up, signaling the end of the conference.

NOTE:
I transposed the first sentence so that the actions take place in chronological order. First Gideon learned the information, then he was enervated. Subtle but important, as anyone who reads about Randy Ingermanson’s motivation-reaction units knows :-)

*

OLD (69 words):
Benjamin cleared his throat. “Sir, do you know if they’ve found the missing trigger yet?”

Gideon started. “The trigger,” he said.

Benjamin nodded. “Yes Sir. Colonel Aaron did mention to me that the man had been carrying four bombs and two trigger mechanisms, plus another trigger on the wire cable that he’d been setting. There’s – well, he seemed to think that suggested that a trigger mechanism might be missing.”

NEW (57 words)
Benjamin cleared his throat. “Sir, do you know if they’ve found the missing trigger yet?”

“The trigger?”

“Yes, sir. Colonel Aaron mentioned that the man had been carrying four bombs and two trigger mechanisms, plus another trigger for the wire cable that he’d been setting. There’s—well, he seemed to think a trigger mechanism might be missing.”

NOTE:
I removed speaker attributions, plus cut some wordiness.

*

OLD (72 words):
Gideon pressed his hands together. “Ah – no, they haven’t found it yet.”

“What did it look like?”

“Excuse me?”

“The trigger,” Benjamin said. “I don’t remember seeing one last night, but maybe I could recognize something I saw if you could describe it for me.”

“The trigger,” Gideon said, and he took a breath. “Ah – I believe they were unusual, like the one used in that car bomb that killed your wife.”

NEW (51 words):
Gideon pressed his hands together. “Ah—no, they haven’t found it yet. I believe it was like the one used in that car bomb that killed your wife.”

“Like the one in the car bomb—” Benjamin grimaced as he covered his eyes with his hand again. He held himself immobile.

NOTE: The old passage was wordy. The multiple exchanges were distracting.

*

OLD (74 words):
That was a slip. Careful. “They’re white, cigar shaped, can fit easily in your palm.”

Benjamin suddenly grimaced as he covered his eyes with his hand again. He held immobile for a few moments before he relaxed.

“I’m sorry Sir,” he said. “My eyes have some stabbing pain still, but the doctor says that will stop in a few hours.”

“Hmm.”

Benjamin looked up. “Sir, if you wouldn’t mind, I’d like to get some rest.”

NEW (62 words):

Blast it. Distract him from that slip. Gideon jumped forward. “Feinan, do you need to see the doctor?”

Benjamin lowered his hand, shook his head. “I’m sorry, sir. My eyes have some stabbing pain still, but the doctor says that will stop in a few hours."

“You’d better rest them. The mission’s just two and a half days off now.”

“Yes, sir.”

NOTE: old paragraph didn’t convey a strong sense of urgency, and frankly wasn’t realistic. In the new passage Gideon takes control.

*

OLD (44 words):
Gideon waved him on. “Go. Go."

After he had left Gideon sank into the chair behind his desk. He pulled out the top drawer to his cigarettes.

His hands were shaking as he lit the match, and then he breathed in the burning smoke.

NEW (47 words):
Gideon pushed him to the door. “Go. Go. Now.”

After he had left, Gideon sank into the chair behind his desk. He pulled out the top drawer to his cigarettes.

His hands were shaking as he lit the match, and then he breathed in the burning smoke.

NOTE: Gideon again is slightly more aggressive in the second passage.

Publishing 3: A Sample Edit

Thanks Jessica for a great suggestion! OK everyone, I looked for my old files of Lever. I switched computers 15 months ago and suspect the very oldest complete draft of this book may have been lost, but I'll keep searching.

In the meantime, I found a file that had gone through only my first edit, after I transferred the critiques from my hired editor and Jane but had done nothing else. This older sample has 130 words; the final version has 122 words, but what a difference! This is the entire chapter 21, found on page 73 of the book. Warning: it contains a spoiler for the plot, so if you haven't yet read Lever, well, you've been warned.

Ready now?

OK, for everyone still here, here are the two versions:

***

Old Version (130 words)

Benjamin threw off the seat restraints and knelt beside Sara, pulled her from the chair and laid her flat on the narrow floor, supine, cradling her in his arms.

She sank boneless against him, and he held her tighter.

Sara.

She seemed barely conscious, so still, and he reached down and took her hand. His Sara.

No, she would be all right. She had to be.

Her lips were moving, and he could barely hear her as she whispered a name.

He leaned further over her, his ear to her lips. The name, she said it again. He drew back in horror.

She had called to Yeshua Ha’Maschiach.

No. It couldn’t be.

Again.

He hadn’t misheard her. His thoughts were paralyzed.

A spy, a believer, Sara, had infiltrated the mission.

***

Final Version (122 words)

BENJAMIN THREW off the seat restraints and knelt beside Sara. She was unconscious, and he pulled her from the chair and laid her flat on the narrow floor.

She sank boneless against him. He held her tighter.

Sara.

She seemed barely conscious, so still. He reached down and took her hand. His Sara.

Her lips were moving, and he could barely hear her as she whispered a name. He leaned further over her, his ear to her lips. The name, she said it again.

And then he drew back in horror.

She had called to Yeshua Ha’Maschiach. No. It couldn’t be.

But he hadn’t misheard her. His thoughts were paralyzed.

A spy, a follower of the Way, Sara, had infiltrated the mission.

***

Subtle changes but a big difference, don't you think?

BTW I just spotted two things in this section that I'd change if I could. Did you catch these?

First is a repetition of an *ly* word, *barely*. Once is OK, but...

The second is an error: in the first paragraph Sara is UNconscious, and in the 4th paragraph she's BARELY conscious.

This, despite multiple read-throughs on my part (and believe me, I'm picky), and a go-around with an excellent copyeditor. It just goes to show that your book is never going to be perfect.

Publishing 2: Editing

Doing the agent/editor rounds, I'd often heard that *publishers don't want to consider anything over 100,000 words.* I didn't appreciate just how seriously this statement is made, and how important this length limit is. There are at least two excellent reasons why this is so:

1. A long manuscript, especially by a novice author, almost certainly means there is extra verbiage that detracts from the writing.

2. Publishing books gives a narrow margin of profit. Most books don't earn back their advance; this means that most books end up losing money for the publisher. A fat book means more production expense that must be reflected in a higher retail price. All things being equal, why should a publisher publish a thick book when it can just as easily sign a slimmer, trimmer manuscript? It is a buyer's marketplace out there, after all, and there is ALWAYS another manuscript.

Once I had publisher's eyes for my book, I was amazed at how different the manuscript looked. I was the business now, not the hopeful writer.

The first thing I did was farm out the manuscript to a few readers to gain opinions. Critiquing -- getting others to read through your manuscript -- can be so valuable, although you have to realize that there are different personalities and different types of critiques. Some are uplifting, if perhaps not too helpful, with the reader saying *I loved it! Don't change anything!* Others point out a problem area, although not necessarily with a correct solution. Some critiques can be cruel -- yes, I had two of these myself (one in a contest, one in an online critique group), and I was surprised that even though I have developed a thick skin, the comments temporarily pulled my courage out.

As an aside, let me just say that if you critique, remember that there is a living person on the other end of your words who probably feels exposed as you plow through his or her work. I critique others myself, and no matter how awkward the writing is, I know that just to string this number of words together is a brave accomplishment. Remember that the person is always, always, more valuable than the thing. Don't let your ego get in the way of trying to help someone who may not be as skillful as (you THINK) you are.

Jane, as I mentioned, gave me an expert critique. She pointed out places that I was meandering from the topic, or using awkward phraseologies like *she flung her leg over the chair.* (Picture THAT action in your head :-) She made progressively annoyed comments to some of my writing tics as they kept reappearing. She predicted obvious set-ups for plot with funny (and correct) remarks (OK, I'm guessing that by page 162 this character is going to be dead...) The pages were dense with slashing pen marks through paragraphs at a time. I loved it!

The light bulb went on as I transferred her changes to the manuscript. Now, there are many books on the nuts and bolts of self editing (two good ones are the classic Self-Editing for Fiction Writers by Renni Browne and Dave King, and Revision and Self-Editing) by James Scott Bell, so let me discuss instead some of the broad ideas that I learned:

1. make sure the writing is always aimed for the READER and not yourself. Explain the vision that you see in your head as if you weren't already familiar with it. One method I found really helpful for this, for fiction, is to write in deep point of view of the character. Many people, I've found, use a lighter POV and flit above the action. Try to grasp more. Thinking about it, this is a good blog topic that I should cover in the near future, for whatever my opinion is worth.

2. Get rid of extraneous verbiage. I'm embarrassed to tell you, my dear readers, how much I cut from a completed manuscript that had already made the rounds. Shall I just say almost a quarter? You do the math. (Why oh why didn't my agent say anything to me???) I only cut three scenes; the rest were extra words that added nothing to the story. I did a number of edits over 8 months. The first one, I transferred critiques and word-searched for some of my writing tics (for example, I loved the word *murmured*). The second, I word-searched for nothing words like *very*, *much*, *said*, and any word ending in *-ly* The third, I read through and cut any references that weren't directly related to the story action. This one yielded great cuts, sometimes paragraphs at a time, when I found I'd meandered onto some interesting but irrelevant thoughts. The fourth, I fixed unclear or peculiar references: for example, the phrase *the scarf on the chair tied in a knot* makes it sound like the CHAIR is in a knot, not the scarf. I also used the Word function that highlighted passive voice, and got rid of those sentence fragments (*He turned. Turned again. Saw the horse.*) that all writers seem to use, and that are so irritating for the poor reader. The fifth and sixth go around I kept reading and cutting and fixing. I read carefully for accuracy as well, and fixed passages that were unclear or incorrect. I don't even remember all I did; once I got in the groove I was just able to pare, and pare, and pare. If I went through again, I could probably cut even more :-)

3. Believe it or not, after all of this I hired a copyeditor. This is because my grammar is atrocious, and I knew that although it sounded right, it needed to be checked. Sure enough, Chris found some great stuff for me to fix, and a side benefit is that my grammar improved. I finally know what a preposition is :-) (IN the box. ON the box. AROUND the box. UNDER the box...)

A copyeditor, BTW, is really important, and if you can afford one, do it. This is in contrast to a story editor, that IMHO is much harder to determine before the fact if he or she will help you. Money is tight. I was fortunate that my parents spotted me a generous gift for this endeavor, and we also had some money left over from the family budget. I spent money over a year and a half, so the bites weren't as big. Still, be prepared, not just in editing, but in the book set-up, that you're probably going to have to spend something.

I'd love to hear some of your experiences with critiquing or editing! What do YOU think is important?