Critiquing Again

I found my old manuscript! Since there was some interest in how I shaved Lever, for what it’s worth let me compare a few paragraphs from a random passage in the story. I’ll face it off paragraph by paragraph, and then give a brief explanation. The old passage was 347 words, the final is 286. This gives a percent cut of 18%.

***

OLD (50 words):
Seidel had been planting only the first of the four bombs then. Gideon had given him a very detailed outline of procedure once he was in the time machine. Benjamin must have come in before Seidel had been in the target area five minutes, and Gideon clenched his fists angrily.

NEW (26 words):
Seidel had been planting only the first of the four bombs then. Benjamin must have entered before Seidel had been in the target area five minutes.

NOTE:
the reader already knows that Gideon delivered a detailed outline

*

OLD (16 words):
He followed Benjamin’s glance to his hands and forced himself to relax. Don’t give yourself away.

NEW (20 words):
Gideon clenched his fists, then followed Benjamin’s glance to his hands and forced himself to relax. Don’t give yourself away.

NOTE: I moved clenched fists to the next paragraph to tighten the reference. I also italicized the thought.

*

OLD (23 words):
He suddenly had no energy for this, now that he’d learned what he needed. He stood up, signaling the end of the conference.

NEW (23 words):
Now that he’d learned what he needed, he had no more energy for this. He stood up, signaling the end of the conference.

NOTE:
I transposed the first sentence so that the actions take place in chronological order. First Gideon learned the information, then he was enervated. Subtle but important, as anyone who reads about Randy Ingermanson’s motivation-reaction units knows :-)

*

OLD (69 words):
Benjamin cleared his throat. “Sir, do you know if they’ve found the missing trigger yet?”

Gideon started. “The trigger,” he said.

Benjamin nodded. “Yes Sir. Colonel Aaron did mention to me that the man had been carrying four bombs and two trigger mechanisms, plus another trigger on the wire cable that he’d been setting. There’s – well, he seemed to think that suggested that a trigger mechanism might be missing.”

NEW (57 words)
Benjamin cleared his throat. “Sir, do you know if they’ve found the missing trigger yet?”

“The trigger?”

“Yes, sir. Colonel Aaron mentioned that the man had been carrying four bombs and two trigger mechanisms, plus another trigger for the wire cable that he’d been setting. There’s—well, he seemed to think a trigger mechanism might be missing.”

NOTE:
I removed speaker attributions, plus cut some wordiness.

*

OLD (72 words):
Gideon pressed his hands together. “Ah – no, they haven’t found it yet.”

“What did it look like?”

“Excuse me?”

“The trigger,” Benjamin said. “I don’t remember seeing one last night, but maybe I could recognize something I saw if you could describe it for me.”

“The trigger,” Gideon said, and he took a breath. “Ah – I believe they were unusual, like the one used in that car bomb that killed your wife.”

NEW (51 words):
Gideon pressed his hands together. “Ah—no, they haven’t found it yet. I believe it was like the one used in that car bomb that killed your wife.”

“Like the one in the car bomb—” Benjamin grimaced as he covered his eyes with his hand again. He held himself immobile.

NOTE: The old passage was wordy. The multiple exchanges were distracting.

*

OLD (74 words):
That was a slip. Careful. “They’re white, cigar shaped, can fit easily in your palm.”

Benjamin suddenly grimaced as he covered his eyes with his hand again. He held immobile for a few moments before he relaxed.

“I’m sorry Sir,” he said. “My eyes have some stabbing pain still, but the doctor says that will stop in a few hours.”

“Hmm.”

Benjamin looked up. “Sir, if you wouldn’t mind, I’d like to get some rest.”

NEW (62 words):

Blast it. Distract him from that slip. Gideon jumped forward. “Feinan, do you need to see the doctor?”

Benjamin lowered his hand, shook his head. “I’m sorry, sir. My eyes have some stabbing pain still, but the doctor says that will stop in a few hours."

“You’d better rest them. The mission’s just two and a half days off now.”

“Yes, sir.”

NOTE: old paragraph didn’t convey a strong sense of urgency, and frankly wasn’t realistic. In the new passage Gideon takes control.

*

OLD (44 words):
Gideon waved him on. “Go. Go."

After he had left Gideon sank into the chair behind his desk. He pulled out the top drawer to his cigarettes.

His hands were shaking as he lit the match, and then he breathed in the burning smoke.

NEW (47 words):
Gideon pushed him to the door. “Go. Go. Now.”

After he had left, Gideon sank into the chair behind his desk. He pulled out the top drawer to his cigarettes.

His hands were shaking as he lit the match, and then he breathed in the burning smoke.

NOTE: Gideon again is slightly more aggressive in the second passage.

Publish America

If you're interested in becoming the author of a respectable book, be very careful to evaluate all of the evidence before signing with Publish America. Personally, after learning what I know now, I would never consider it. If you haven't heard of this company in your research for publishers yet, you will.

PA sounds like a good deal: they sign a high proportion of first-time authors to edit and publish books, all without a penny charged to the author. They insist that they are a *traditional* type publisher, albeit with more openness to new authors. There ARE happy authors here, as demonstrated by repeat customers. However, before you sign, do some google searches on this company. There are many websites warning authors away. I found newspaper articles written from The Washington Post and The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette about this company, but these are only the tip of the iceberg.

I do not have personal experience with PA, although I did experience a near miss: PA had accepted my ms for publication and sent me a contract. Gosh, I was so excited! About two hours later (honest!), I received a telephone call from my ill-fated agent though, and of course signed with him instead of PA. I don't know anyone personally who has published with them, so therefore want to keep my comments muted and neutral. Anyone can say anything on the web. However, just the fact that SO MANY people post vehement negative comments about this company should give anyone pause who is considering PA.

Complaints about Publish America that I have found on websites include but are not limited to:

1. Minimal or Absent Editing; introduction of additional errors into the manuscript; poor formatting.

2. Limited or no discrimination for acceptable manuscripts. Basically statements say that PA will accept virtually anything, as long as the author promises to *actively promote* the book. There have been several well-publicized tests of PA's acceptance policies, including a truly horribly-written story HERE.

3. Price of the book is higher than the industry standard; for example, a slim 150 page paperback might retail for $18.95. I verified high prices on the PA's bookstore.

4. A low rate of sales, based on their own numbers. PA claims to have published about 30,000 titles and sold about 2,000,000 units. This divides to about 67 units per title rate --> 67 books sold of each title.

5. No library cataloguing information (Library of Congress control number and Cataloguing in Publication data). Right there you've lost a big potential market for your book. Many libraries are not even allowed to order books without this information because its absence suggests a vanity press, and/or a book that was not professionally edited or typeset.

6. Numerous royalty complaints: basically, authors state they've sold X number of books, but these numbers aren't reflected in the PA payments or accounting invoices. One disgruntled author's account (with some mildly colorful verbiage; you've been warned) is HERE.

7. It's apparently really difficult to get out of a PA contract, and gag orders are enforced. Furthermore, the contract has an unusually long term to own all rights: seven years or more.

Just a word to the wise.

Publishing 4: Goals for Your Writing

I have a few odds and ends to mention before I forget, and then I'd like to talk about goals.

1. I plan another few comparisons of before and after over the next few entries -- Jessica, a great idea. I feel like Jamie Lee Curtis here, showing what the manuscript *really* looks like without makeup or airbrushing :-)

2. I've heard writers say that they worry about someone stealing their ideas. My reaction to this: be prudent, but don't worry. Believe me, it's hard enough to develop an idea, or get the manuscript published, for someone to be tempted to lift it.

3. Speaking of the idea belonging to you, you should know that the moment you put an idea in a fixed form, ie you write it down, it is legally copyrighted to you. You can type a notice on it if you want. An easy way to prove that you are the developer as of this date is to mail the manuscript to yourself, and don't open the envelope. Voila -- legal documentation.

***

OK, goals. I've gotten the sense at a few conferences that I've attended that many non-published writers look at holding a book with their words inside as the ultimate goal. This is certainly an exciting moment -- I was fortunate to experience this myself last summer -- but it is simply the start of a new journey.

Very few people I imagine are content to write and then stuff manuscripts in their desk drawer, to be found by their heirs 50 years hence. If you want other people to read your words, what audience are you thinking of? I like to divide the audience into two broad, general groups:

1. a personal group. This could be family and friends, a community project, or some other limited readership that you would feel good if you could hand them a book. For instance, I have a friend whose great-grandparents died at the hands of the Nazis soon after Krystallnacht in Germany. She painstakingly researched their last days, and wrote a beautiful book that she published with First Books, a well-known self-publisher. She sold probably 100 copies, and was completely satisfied because she had given the various branches of her family a valuable record of their shared roots.

For this group, self publishing is the best, perhaps the only, option. You can develop a beautiful book at a relatively modest price, or even free, by using one of a number of book packagers.

2. a commercial group. If you want to sell A LOT of books commercially, to strangers who don't necessarily know who you are, because they hear that *this is a good book,* then you have more options that you'll need to carefully consider.

If you are part of this second group, your options divide generally into traditional publishing, or self-publishing. Self-publishing can be further broken down into a quasi-traditional house, a book packager, or developing your own publishing company.

There are definite pluses and minuses to each of these options. It is A HARD ROAD no matter which way you go, and you need to carefully consider the BEST choice for you.

I want to add a thought at my own risk, because it will automatically pull my own book in for consideration. OK, here's my fools-rush-in moment:

The bar for publishable, truly good, writing, is very very high. In my own experience critiquing many writers, I find very few writers who have yet hit this level. There are maybe two manuscripts out of fifty or so that I've read that I would consider publishing under my own imprint -- and these, believe me, I would edit the heck out of first.

I found when I was ready to publish my book, that MY manuscript was not ready. Not by a long shot. I did an enormous amount of work on it, and hopefully have brought it up to this publishable level -- many people have told me how much they enjoyed my book, so I'm hopeful.

I'm convinced that almost anyone can write a competent or better story. But... it takes a lot more work than you think. Just be ready, and don't jump until you've prepared the manuscript as well as you can.

Publishing 3: A Sample Edit

Thanks Jessica for a great suggestion! OK everyone, I looked for my old files of Lever. I switched computers 15 months ago and suspect the very oldest complete draft of this book may have been lost, but I'll keep searching.

In the meantime, I found a file that had gone through only my first edit, after I transferred the critiques from my hired editor and Jane but had done nothing else. This older sample has 130 words; the final version has 122 words, but what a difference! This is the entire chapter 21, found on page 73 of the book. Warning: it contains a spoiler for the plot, so if you haven't yet read Lever, well, you've been warned.

Ready now?

OK, for everyone still here, here are the two versions:

***

Old Version (130 words)

Benjamin threw off the seat restraints and knelt beside Sara, pulled her from the chair and laid her flat on the narrow floor, supine, cradling her in his arms.

She sank boneless against him, and he held her tighter.

Sara.

She seemed barely conscious, so still, and he reached down and took her hand. His Sara.

No, she would be all right. She had to be.

Her lips were moving, and he could barely hear her as she whispered a name.

He leaned further over her, his ear to her lips. The name, she said it again. He drew back in horror.

She had called to Yeshua Ha’Maschiach.

No. It couldn’t be.

Again.

He hadn’t misheard her. His thoughts were paralyzed.

A spy, a believer, Sara, had infiltrated the mission.

***

Final Version (122 words)

BENJAMIN THREW off the seat restraints and knelt beside Sara. She was unconscious, and he pulled her from the chair and laid her flat on the narrow floor.

She sank boneless against him. He held her tighter.

Sara.

She seemed barely conscious, so still. He reached down and took her hand. His Sara.

Her lips were moving, and he could barely hear her as she whispered a name. He leaned further over her, his ear to her lips. The name, she said it again.

And then he drew back in horror.

She had called to Yeshua Ha’Maschiach. No. It couldn’t be.

But he hadn’t misheard her. His thoughts were paralyzed.

A spy, a follower of the Way, Sara, had infiltrated the mission.

***

Subtle changes but a big difference, don't you think?

BTW I just spotted two things in this section that I'd change if I could. Did you catch these?

First is a repetition of an *ly* word, *barely*. Once is OK, but...

The second is an error: in the first paragraph Sara is UNconscious, and in the 4th paragraph she's BARELY conscious.

This, despite multiple read-throughs on my part (and believe me, I'm picky), and a go-around with an excellent copyeditor. It just goes to show that your book is never going to be perfect.

Publishing 1: Is Your Writing Ready?

Since there's been some interest in my own experiences with Lever, instead of keeping jumping in the middle of publishing questions, I'd like to do a few blog entries, from the beginning, of what *I* have learned about the writing biz (waving again to Billy Coffey's excellent blog and title). I am not an expert, although I tend to research compulsively and have some strong opinions that I will not poison you with as far as I'm able :-)

My own story: I finished my manuscript and was excited to sign with my first choice agent. For a number of reasons things didn't work out, and then I wasn't able to write for awhile (not related to the agent-writer breakup). When I got back in the game, I learned that no agent wanted to touch my manuscript because many publishing houses had already considered it; I didn't even have a complete list of who had seen it. I had three choices: 1) rename the manuscript and try again -- since I'd just done the agent rounds for a second time, I was dubious; 2) write my complex second book for which I only had a half-finished first draft, and anticipated much work (especially since I hadn't yet solidified my story template studies); 3) go outside the traditional publishing venues to publish my manuscript. I really believed in Lever. I figured I'd rather go for it and fail, so decided to go with door #3, and write on the side. The jury is still out on whether this enterprise will be a success, but I have to say that I'm very pleased at least with how the book turned out.

The first thing I saw when I put on my publisher hat was that I had to make really sure the manuscript was ready. It takes a lot of effort and at least some money to produce a book, and if the book is bad your effort is for naught. So, I took a good hard look. I hired an editor that in retrospect wasn't a good decision because I didn't feel she was helpful for what I needed; I also asked a few friends to critique the manuscript.

My friend Jane gave me a fabulous critique, and really taught me how to edit myself. This blog is getting too long so I'll go over some editing hints tomorrow. Let me just say that my manuscript to start was good. It had been represented by an agent with an excellent reputation, and sparked interest in more than one publishing house. However, it was not yet publishable quality. Normally a traditional house will buy the manuscript and bring it up to snuff, but since I was it, I had to do this. Getting my manuscript ready was the most labor-intensive part of this whole process, and also the most important.

Tomorrow: Some hints for editing

Welcome to my Party!

At 1:50 p.m. I sent off the final draft of Lever. It's done!

I want to write something funny, but frankly I'm pooped. Since I finished the copyediting, I've spent the last five days closely vetting everything that I could think of about this ms, and yesterday and today reread every blessed word one more time just to make sure it was OK.

So, fingers crossed.

You'll note that my manuscript went in one day late. Them's the breaks. It should be all right, though, dear friends, never fear. I have a lot more to do relatively quickly, but I refuse to think about any more today.

Have a sip of champagne (or coke, or milk, or tea) and celebrate with me. Sit with me for a minute, and imagine holding that first book...

~happy thoughts~

OK, back to the real world of homework and housework. It's time for me to make dinner. I'm too tired to cook, so I've defrosted lentil soup that I made last month. It's maybe not as good a dinner as some, but oh well. I have just enough corn meal to make corn muffins...

~smiling~ to dear friends